On Child Perfectionism and Freedom Boundaries…

I had the privilege of being invited to attend a seminar hosted by Maya Menon through her NGO initiative named The Teacher Foundation on ‘Schools Today at a Cultural Crossroads’. The panel consisted of a wonderful mix of four people: a Principal of a well established school, a Parent, an Ex-Student and a lady Psychiatrist. The audience was a large number of teaching faculties from different schools based in Bangalore and Mumbai.

The evening spanned into a wondrous and powerful exchange of views and experiences on how children from different cultures in schools must be handled in today’s modern era of virtual information and exposures: good, bad and ugly. This was certainly a great initiative Maya took and many of the topics covered were real eye-openers.

However, the reason why I am drawn towards writing about this seminar are two very critical points covered which I am personally and emotionally very involved with and often talk about it in my own workshops for parents, students and the teaching faculty: (a) Child Perfection and (b) what should be the freedom curbs or ‘boundaries’ that one needs to create around a child during their adolescent years. While I was able to speak on the first topic very briefly, which was well accepted by the panel and the audience, I was unable to express myself on the second one due to a shortage of time. Hence this blog…  

On Child Perfection: I have always firmly believed that the very words ‘perfect’ and ‘perfection’ should not only be wiped out of the English Dictionary but also in the minds of all parents and teachers! I grew up in one of India’s oldest boarding schools and was continuously made to think that only ‘Practice would make me Perfect’! What a terrible anomaly of a statement!! In my view, ‘Practice can never make perfect’. Practice can only make IMPROVEMENT! And why be perfect?! Because when children are literally grilled to think that they must be ‘perfect’, they lose the very sense of their own being and live within a box with no other choice than to become perfect. But when children are made to think they must ‘practice to improve’ is when we help them to think out of a box and think innovatively. This very statement of ‘practicing to improve’ removes the shackles of fear in their pursuit to be ‘perfect’ exclusively desired by their peers. As a father of two wonderful daughters, I never spoke about perfection. Instead I always helped them to innovatively and continuously improve on whatever they were passionately pursuing either in their studies, extra-curricular activities or at home. And that’s one of the reasons why, as grown up girls, they are just amazing in whatever they do!

On Freedom Curbs or ‘Boundaries’: Most parents tend to create ‘boundaries’ to how much freedom a child must enjoy based on their own childhood experiences misused by they themselves as children just as their parents, grand-parents and great grand-parents did. Most teachers tend to create freedom ‘boundaries’ just because it is the ‘dictate’ of the Principal, caught up in a system that may not exist even in his own home, or for the reputation of the school. Ultimately the child suffers and becomes a clone of his or her parent when they have children of their own! Children don’t need their freedoms to be curbed. When you curb their freedom you become the aggressor. But when you flow with them accepting whatever they do, wrong or right, you become their Mentor, Friend, Guide and Leader. They willfully begin to respect what you say and want them to believe.

A father, who shared a very close bond and relationship with his children, once stumbled upon his young teenage daughter’s open laptop and discovered that she had begun to surf porn sites on the internet. For a moment he was taken aback but then burst out laughing. He laughed for two reasons. The first one was that this discovery made him realize that his daughter was no more the young little child he always imagined her to be and the second one was that she wasn't ‘gay’ because the porn sites were ‘straight’ ones!

Over the weekend when he could be alone with her, he told her that he knew she was viewing porn on the internet and had absolutely no issues about it and he really meant it. His daughter was initially surprised on hearing this revelation and then couldn't help feeling embarrassed. But he continued telling her that when he was her age he had also seen a couple of ‘blue’ films with his friends and viewed a host of porn magazines. But soon he asked himself whether all this was worth feeding his mind with or creating a sledgehammering mind fed with information that could make him stand out of the herd and realize every dream he had for the future. He said he chose the latter one and that’s probably the reason why he got to what he was today.

Over the years, his daughter passed out of her college with flying colors, completed her Masters and began chasing her dreams turning them, one by one, into astounding realities! Quite frankly, he still doesn't give a damn whether his daughter watches porn on the internet or not!!

And that’s all about great parenting J

Nurses, Interns and a pot-pourie of patients.

I was admitted in a hospital, for the first time in my life, a few weeks back due to an infection of the lungs promptly after the Doc saw the xray. I really didn't have an idea what to expect except just an 'imprisonment' for a week or so! Being an avid reader, I called up my local bookseller and ordered a few books to keep me company.

I was admitted during the late evening so the first night went off quite uneventful with a nurse doing her regulars with a thermometer and a BP machine and then 'tubing' me up with a drip bottle suspended from a stand and administering me a 'night rest' tablet which promptly 'rested' me off for the entire night. It were the following days and nights that I was exposed to one of the most wondrous people on earth: Nurses and Interns.

Being a speaker and educationist, especially on Leadership, I have a natural tendency to observe deeply almost anyone and anything around me that could possibly stand out as an example of exemplary leadership. And here, in the premises of a hospital I could observe so much that Nurses and Interns are continuously exposed to on a moment to moment basis and their amazing reactions! And I very specially refer to the Nurses and Interns simply because their exposure to their surroundings are more continuous in nature than that of a Doctor. Also, they are much younger and less experienced with minds that are far more absorbent of the affects of their surroundings than the matured Doctors.

Over the the week I noticed that within a hospital can only exist a chaos of emotions emanating from relatives, friends and acquaintances of a host of patients that enter and leave its portals - alive or dead, quite literally speaking. It is so difficult for the average human being who may have never frequented a hospital to imagine that there is always a steady flow of patients being admitted and not all of them in a condition you could bear to see. Grotesquely butchered people - probably the result of a street fight, profusely bleeding patients - an aftermath of an accident, pregnant women screaming and wrenching, patients suffering from heart attacks, strokes, ruptured veins and bleeding uncontrollably and whatever have you!

And midst all this are the nurses and interns. Deftly handling patients after the Doctor has done with them. Soothing their emotions. Building up strength in each one of them to face their physical adversities. Helping them to bear the pain of an amputated limb. Holding their hands and counselling them even after a child was still born. Offering their shoulders to parents who had lost their son in an accident. Hugging children who had just lost their mother. Pandering to rude an demanding patients with a smile of assurance.

And the list of observations that I made seemed absolutely endless!

Often, while I lay in my hospital bed at night I would wonder, how do these marvelous young professionals handle the everyday stress of life beyond their work? At home? On the streets? With some of their 'not so warm' relatives, neighbors or whoever? How do they think sanely with the influence of their daily work exposures embedded in their 'sub-conscious' minds? What kind of a human being would they be beyond and outside the exit of their place of work?

I spent much time speaking to each one of them and realized that they, unitedly, harbored so much of a desire to naturally protect and recreate each patient's life into a blissful existence...once again!

Very truly...an amazing display of self-actualized leadership!!! 

An Article that I wrote for a school magazine...

At the feet of my Elders

‘Stand up, be strong and be bold. Because you and only You are the Creator of your own Destiny!’ – Swamy Vivekanand.

My youth was almost half a decade ago wherein, unlike today, information exposure was limited to either, the daily newspapers, radio or books in a library. However, within the limitations of this prosaic era was an unlimited opportunity to learn life and the very meaning of existence. This opportunity offered itself, most infinitely, at the very feet of our elders. It was an absolutely non-comparable offering of knowledge that was borne out of the learnings of the several mistakes they had made during their lifetime. A knowledge whose contents would require millions of pages to capture in written form. And a knowledge that adequately groomed the very principles of our inner thinking as young students seeking a foundation for a better future as adults.

Every morning we have three choices to make when we wake up: to choose between Love or Fear, to choose between Faith or Hope and to choose between Work or Procrastination.

Firstly, as a young student, I would choose Love over Fear. Because Love is universal and boundless while Fear is limited, caught up tight in unbreakable capsules of needless negative emotions. Love has no inhibitions. Love does not keep you in a paradigm that makes you either judgmental or critical. Love gives you the power of acceptance. It makes you forgiving and understanding of the fact that no matter who we are, we are the children of God and that each one of us, albeit our limitations, have our own halos of shining talent and naturalness. Love attracts love. And all those who know how to love, from deep within their hearts, will always remain blessed.

Secondly, I would choose Faith over Hope. Hope makes you walk through the fire whereas Faith makes you jump over it. Hope stems from fears – fears of the unknown and therefore, will what we desire ever happen or not?!. But Faith stems from belief embedded deep inside you. A belief that you have the Power and the Greatness within your very Soul to achieve anything you can dream of. So when you choose Faith, you choose a clearly defined existence. An existence in a world in which you bring to reality every dream you can dream.

And finally, as a young student, I would choose Work over Procrastination. Procrastination is merely postponing what you have to do simply borne out of lethargy. But strength to Work is the biggest gift of God that any of us can receive. I would work hard on my studies, my sports and games, my cultural assignments and all the talents that I was born with. Because, for me, Work was Worship. Work made me a stronger human being because it turned my weaknesses into strength. It made me better than the rest and hence, more successful in life.

Every morning, when you wake up, if you could always make the right choices by listening to your heart, you will realize that no matter how cold and harsh the winters may become in your life, there will always be an invincible summer within you!

Anand K Nair

Speaker. Entrepreneur. Educationist.

AGNI Leadership Centre

Self-Actualized Leadership

This is an era where globally, an enormous financial disruption is being felt. It is very decisively becoming clearer that the manner in which Corporates across the world, including India, conducted their businesses during the past 10 years will now have to adopt for radically different methodologies or strategies to conduct their businesses over the next 10 years to survive and outgrow this bludgeoning financial disruption. It is no more an era of Management or vying to absorb the best and most effective ‘Managers’ to get the job done. This is an era where every Organization will require extraordinary entrepreneurial Leaders to reinvent the wheel, to disrupt this ever growing disruption and survive their organizations. And such Leaders will have to become part of their system from the very grass root levels of their organizational hierarchy itself!

But even before we address the very understanding of what really are ‘extraordinary entrepreneurial Leaders’, we need to first understand why India, itself, has not been able to create and nurture a large number of effective Leaders in its Corporate world to the extent seen in most western countries. This, unfortunately, is an amazing truth. Is it because our ancestors were products of two centuries of an oppressive rule by the British Empire and hence found sub-ordination a better tool for survival than leadership? After all it took our country over 50 years after the British Empire sailed back, to change Bombay to Mumbai, Madras to Chennai, Calcutta to Kolkata and Orissa to Odisha (half a century to do this and not earlier, just in case the Brits returned much too early, and changed it all back again!). Was this thought process of glorified sub-ordination filtered down generation after generation to young traditional minds of the average Indian youth who tended to learn more at the feet of their elders than in modern day business schools? Or is it that our Corporates have spent much too much time on seeking out good ‘managers’ from Management schools over the last 3 decades leading to an overdose of management professionals being employed and a prolific growth in the number of Management schools, some spread over numerous acres of land and some spread over the size of a retail store?! Or, more humorously put, is it because as parents, most of us spent the first two years of our childrens’ lives teaching them how to talk and walk and the rest of their lives teaching them how to shut up and sit down? Any which way you may like to put it, we never created Leaders worth their weight in salt. We never created Leaders in abundance and hence we don’t have enough Leaders to disrupt the disruption that every Organization perilously faces today. Period!

Having now established, if I may say so, the reasons why we don’t have adequate number of Leaders amongst our fold, let us examine who really is an extraordinary Leader and how does one become one. As a professional, I started my career as a mere sales rep and rose, over three decades, to a CEO. So how was I viewed by my professional colleagues, my team and the top brass above me? Those who loved me said I was an epitome of integrity, charisma, understanding, a visionary, an innovator, a team player, a man of excellent man management skills and whatever have you. Those who hated me, just wished me dead! And yet I reached the top most echelons of my professional career and ‘teed’ off most successfully! Frankly, most professionals understand Leadership through either traits or styles. Every book I’ve read on Leadership contains only this mumbo-jumbo with a little imaginative additions here and there.

So in reality, what made me a successful Leader? What were those ‘traits’ that I had within me to become what I finally became? Here I would like to quote my dearest childhood friend, Partho, who has been a disciple (including myself) of Sri Aurobindo and the Mother and has been in Vedantic practice for many years, “Real and effective leadership is not a matter of learning techniques and mental formula, or changing behaviours, to suit a professional need; real leadership is a direct function of what you are and what you possess — within and beyond yourself. In other words, leadership is a function of your whole consciousness and not merely of your personality.”

He further adds, the extraordinary Leader is a highly Self-Actualized one. Self-actualized leadership is a process of realizing and effecting leadership through personal mastery and excellence. It is leadership born of self-realization and actualization. You cannot be a true leader without first being a master yourself. In other words, to become a true leader, you need to work on yourself, and attain the capacity to inspire and lead.

A true leader inspires by being and not so much by ‘doing’. His or her being is primary: the ‘doing’ flows out of being. No matter how many techniques and formulae of leadership one learns, unless one has touched one’s own heights and depths, there’s no way one can bring inspired, effective and sustained leadership to others.

Self-Actualized Leaders are ones who can create Mastery in whatever they do. Whether it is a mere assignment at grass root levels or developing a Team or even running a global empire, Self-Actualized Leaders are extraordinary entrepreneurial Leaders that the world at large requires today.  And whether, Corporates across the globe believe it or not, it is only this breed of extraordinary entrepreneurial Leaders that will be able to disrupt the present disruption and recreate an absolute new world order in the manner in which business has to be conducted, now and in the future

Amma

As the sun gently lifted its crown of golden red over the horizon, my thoughts wavered for a while before it sank deeper into an abyss. I could hardly feel the cool morning breeze lazily stroking my body in comfort, as I took a sip of green tea while sitting on my balcony.

'Amma'. The word kept repeating itself inside the crevices of my mind as I sat, unbelievably close, to an emotional breakdown. "She is no more." Just a four worded sentence that said and revealed everything. Everything that you did not want to hear or experience...the sudden turmoil of your emotions, your inner fears, the presence of a sudden loss enveloping your existence, the burst of tears, and whatever have you. But the permanent exit of a soul that had been part of your life over several decades is one reality that gets clearly defined by this four worded statement.

As I sat slowly sipping from my cup of green tea, I couldn't help but reminisce every moment I had spent with Amma. For starters, she was the most difficult human being to cope with! An absolute, 5ft 2 inch dynamite with a mighty short fuse!! There have been very few of us, which thankfully includes me and not Appa (in any small measure and a reason why he never grew beyond his 5ft 4 inch stature), that would have been spared the 'wrath' of this angel.

In one of Appa's most depressed (and battered) moments, he had asked me a question, "Imagine that someone had to make a beautiful payasam for you with the freshest of milk available, the best of dry fruits...almonds, cashew, raisins, cherries...and serve it to you on a clean banana leaf and in the first mouthful you would discover that instead of sugar, salt had been added...would you eat it?" And I had immediately retorted, "No way!!" And he said, "Most of the time, your Amma is like that payasam." And he then burst out in laughter tinged with a little sarcasm if I may say so!

Amma was a perfectionist and nobody else was. Amma was a 'either you do it or collapse' sort of an old 'tyrant' and none of us was. Amma was someone who would wake up earlier than the crack of dawn, cook, clean, wash, swab, even though she had a bevy of servants (with a high attrition rate!) to handle the job and none of us could. And at the end of the day, each servant would be adequately briefed of their incompetencies and then sent home with a stern warning to improve on performance from the next day onward. Amma's high levels of perfectionism, at times, bordered on plateaus of eccentricity and hence, even her brood were never spared!



Discipline was an all time priority where Amma was concerned. Each of her brood including her broods' broods had to undergo stiff 'Sermons on the Mount' that would have paled even Jesus Christ himself! And each sermon would end with a warning that could tame the wildest of lions on the face of this earth. Leave alone mere mortals existing around her, even her cows, dogs and the local milkman were never spared.


Amma's obsession with cleanliness through a much ridiculed (by her brood, of course) procedure was as passionate as Michael Angelo's passion for painting. Every article in her home had to be scrubbed to a shining existence...from the floors to the ceilings. Her probing eyes never missed a single speck of dust right from the entrance door handle to poor Appa's balding head! Everything had to glitter and glow.  Everything had to be stored in a very particular manner and God help those who even stored things a couple of inches from its designated location. Washed clothes had to be hung out in the sun in series wherein the smaller clothes had to be placed on the one side and the larger ones on the other (not surprising why the servants hid measuring tape around them when it came to drying clothes!). Every utensil in the kitchen (which was Amma's major fort of operation) had to be placed in such a manner that it evoked multiple passions in her to create amazing dishes...and Amma's cooking was just fabulous enough to beat any Australian Master Chef!!!

So Amma's brood was subjected to a life that harbored between ecstasy and the hangman's rope. And yet, Amma was Amma. Every one complained and yet everyone hovered around her, drawn towards her like moths to a lit lamp. No one took a step forward without consulting Amma. The day's menu was decided after discussing with Amma. Education, work opportunities, lifestyles, entertainment, health, buying of a new house, investing into the future...not a single step was taken without consulting with Amma. Amazing...because Amma never ever finished schooling in the small little village she hailed from in Palghat!!!



Amma was the epitome of commitment. She ensured the unity of the family stood strong even if she had to do it with an iron hand. She was open to criticism as long as it was constructive. God save the person who criticized for the heck of it...the whiplash of her wrath could freeze Hell over! In short, Amma could be both, the Beauty and the Beast...all rolled into one!!



Amma never tired. From the early hours of the morning, lighting the puja lamps amidst the soothing chants from the Vedas to the moment to warmly tuck back into bed, Amma was a war horse of activity tending to the needs of every family member with precision and intense love and commitment.

As the Sun rose above the horizon, I couldn't help thinking how much I would be missing Amma's variety of rasams, the delicious miracles she could churn out from her cooking pot...spiced just right, that wonderfully maintained garden where she would endlessly take me on a floral tour, the immaculately maintained home, the beautifully exhibited clothesline, the wonderful smell of jasmine, lilies and sandalwood every time I hugged her, combing her hair, helping her with her sari folds, telling her how beautiful and radiant she always looked, seeing that smile on her face...rare but always there, playfully pummeling her around the moment I perceived a calm before a storm...not allowing the storm to break out  and most of all yelling from the top of my voice,"AMMMMMMMAAAAAA, I LOOOOOVE YOUUUUU!!!!!"

And I realised that a Legend just passed away...back to the Universe where we all finally belong.

And yes, Appa, I would eat that payasam with the salt in it because it would always remind me of Amma. Everything that was put in it was original...right from the milk to the dry fruits including the banana leaf it was served on. The only thing that is never original in a payasam is the sugar (or in this case the 'salt') because its a by-product! And Amma was an ORIGINAL right from the core of her heart!!!

Like the dewdrops that slide down flowers and blades of grass to Mother Earth, a tear swelled out from behind my eyelid and rolled over my eyelashes finding its way close to my heart. I stood up and looked at the great ball of fire that had now begun to spread its warmth all around. And I stood tall and saluted...saluted to the Indian Woman and to Motherhood...so exclusively unique to our race!

Amma...

Vailankanni - A life changing experience!

Have you ever visited the Vailankanni Shrine? More important, have you seen the manner in which several devotees walk on their knees on a hard, hot sand path for almost 1500 mtrs (roughly 1 and a half kilometers) in penance? Even more importantly, have you ever crawled those sands yourself seeking enlightenment on the very purpose of your being?!

The Vailankanni Shrine is a masterpiece of architectural imagination! Its history dates back 400 years and you can get more information on the source of this beautiful Shrine if you Google it on the net. So lets keep that aside...

I have visited the Shrine almost 3 times in the past, but never had the guts to crawl on my knees on this sand path. However, last December, when I happened to visit the Shrine, I decided to do a penance crawl on my knees, just for the experience...

It was a hot morning and the sand felt hard and scalding. But I got onto my knees and began the crawl. I really didn't know why I was doing it?! Maybe it was out of sheer ego considering the fact that many devotees were doing it and so, why couldn't I? Maybe, it was out of challenge...after all when you start life, professionally speaking, as a nobody and 35 years later you reach the level of a CEO...you have this enormous ego of invincibility since you've grown used to it! Maybe I did it to prove to myself that I was, and will always be, the ULTIMATE, sans all spiritual influences! And thus began my journey to prove to everyone and myself that I could do this too...what the heck!

And as I walked on my knees, my skin started splitting. The sand path was hard and was interspersed with small jaggered stones that dug into my knees. The pain, thereafter, was horrifyingly unbearable. And yet I had to cover a long distance and I had no intentions of giving up! After all, I've spent my entire life facing challenges and creating my own destiny..so this was just another of those challenges which I was sure I could handle like several others I did over 3 decades of my professional life. And as the journey continued, the excruciating pain spread across the entire body, numbing my egoistic attitude and creating a new thought process of spiritual obeyance. This was a new feeling I, honestly, had never felt before. My mind began chanting prayers that I knew as a child but never really practiced over the years. Amazing how what we learn as children remain embedded in our sub-conscious minds for a lifetime! And as I prayed and crawled the sands (now on my all fours bleeding and torn), my mind went through some amazing changes, almost as if it was being tutored or advised by some Supreme Power!

We spend our lives experiencing several facets which either bring pain or happiness to us. The facets that create pain in our lives and hearts are consciously wiped out of our minds by us because we need to take our lives forward, creatively and innovatively with each new day. But the pain remains embedded in our latent consciousness and at times, influences major decisions we make in our professional lives without us knowing why! And most of these decisions are negative for growth.

Like a balm, the Supreme Power cajoled my mind to think differently. I could feel the effects of years of my negative experiences flow out of my mind as smoothly as the blood flowed out from my knees and hands. Every incident of the past that caused pain and suffering seemed to release out of my mind and body and in its place I could feel a rejuvenating feeling of love and warmth for all those I was unconditionally devoted to.

And as I did the final 'crawl', my knees suddenly sunk into cool soft sands. I had reached the end of the sand path. Tremendously exhausted, I bowed down, crunched over my knees, face in my palms, tears flowing down my cheeks. An absolutely new existence. A great new feeling...unexplainable! A different human being...reborn again!! A great life changing experience!!!